Equanimity as an Absurdist Play.
By Pablo Das (HHC, SEP)
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Put your absurdist theater cap on. Imagine a Beckett-like scene where our character is standing at the ready with their feet planted and knees bent. Determined look on their face. A giant pendulum swings slowly and with weight, back and forth, to and fro, just over their head. Its the kind of pendulum that can swing in any direction, north, south, east, west, northeast, southwest, etc… It swings low enough that our character could, if they wanted to, try to grab it and redirect it. They try. But it’s very heavy and they frequently get knocked into the dirt as they try their best to leap up and grab onto it. Over and over again the valiant character tries and tries to challenge the pendulum but is repeatedly demoralized and physically battered trying to redirect the swing of that giant pendulum.
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Now imagine a swing of that pendulum in any direction represents a kind of experience one might have in life. A swing to the north represents being loved by others while a swing to the south means people are suspicious of you and see you as responsible for bad things that have happened. A swing to the east represents one having lots of resources and money, while a swing to the west represents the loss of such things. Another pair of directions equals pleasure vs pain, yet another pair represents prestige and disgrace.
These swings of the pendulum represent the things that happen to all humans over the course of our lives. Our character takes these swings very personally. The unfortunate swings mean something about our character in their own mind. They have made meaning of the swings. They represent failures, unlovability and pain etc...they are desperate not to let loss, change, disappointment or death happen. They try to control what people think of them. If they could only redirect, restrain or stop the pendulum they could be relax and be happy. But the pendulum is unstoppable and it continues to swing. Birth, youth, aging, health, sickness, death, gain, disappointment, love, loss, rich, poor, fame, blame, connection, isolation, status, obscurity, the swings go on and on. Our character reacts and stresses and gets hurt and stresses more as they try to control the pendulum. For a time they stand off to the side in the dark and try to ignore it all together. They try to hide as the losses and disappointments mount. They do what they can do to numb the pain. They miss opportunities and lots of joy and beauty. They can hear the whoosh as it swings, but they try to forget, try not to look. It doesn’t work.
Eventually, they come out of the dark, they can’t stay there, alone and numb, it’s unsustainable. All the pain is there waiting for them, now it’s back logged, they go into deep despair. It’s all too much and finally they give in. They just stop fighting. They lay on the ground and they cry for a long, long time. They cry until they’re done. Life wins. It just...wins. Something else has to happen.
Then something does happen, they feel lighter, they miss the good things, they become willing to orient to what’s good and beautiful and wonderful about life, while accepting that along with the joy and beauty of life comes some difficulties too. What else do you do here on the planet, they think? Be present to it all. Try to heal. They decide it’s worth it. They’ve also learned something else. The grief won’t kill you. They learn that they can handle the grief and the loss as it comes. They learned that there’s even a poignancy and sweetness in the grieving times. Grief means you’ve loved and been loved.
Slowly, they get up and they stand right in the center of the stage, right in the spotlight and they plant their feet as the pendulum swings. It swings just as it always has. But our character is different. They no longer try to control the swinging, they just feel what they feel as the pendulum does what it does. They release helplessness and victimhood. They embrace life on its terms. They recognize a certain amount of agency in it all. Particularly in their own internal relationship to the pendulum. Mostly, they just open up to the ride that is life. Life is a balance of pleasure and pain. And as they stay more present, embracing what’s hard, they learn so much about themselves. Even the pain is enlightening, maybe in ways that pleasure isn’t. Numbing it isn’t an escape. The pain will not be denied it's audience. It will be there waiting for you when the ways you numb don’t work anymore. How had this not occurred to them? The pain shapes you into a better version of yourself if you let it.
Being willing to stand with your feet planted as the pendulum of life swings. Pleasure, pain, gain, loss, praise, blame, prestige, disgrace, life, death. Whatever comes. Being willing to feel. Being willing to give up controlling what cannot be controlled. To take agency and responsibility where it is available to you. Orienting to joy and beauty and all that’s good in life. Letting pain inform and shape you when it comes.
This is equanimity.
Thank you for listening.